Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Overcoming Fear.

Read Leslie's blog and found out about "Tammy's Summer Challenge".  Losing 10 pounds in a month.  I was thinking, wow.  This sounds good...  Then I read the rules.

To clip 'n quote: "For anyone who wants to join with me.....I only have a couple of rules. The first one is that your goal MUST be to lose 10 lbs."  That is easy enough, I want to lose MORE than that, eventually, so 10 per month is a good start.  I have, glacially slowly, but I have lost 10, and more or less been keeping it off... So, that's straight forward.  Next?

"The only other rule is that you pop over here every Friday, when I do my weigh-in post, and leave me a comment telling me how much you weigh. "  OMG. 

OMGOMGOMGOMG! 

OMG!!!

Notice on the side where I have my weight loss board?  It says how much I lost?  NOT how much I weigh?  There is a reason for that.  I have been so self concious, so horribly insecure about that, I just want to barf when someone asks about it.  (And I am asked every 8 weeks when I donate blood, so I can't just ignore it.)  Husband asked, when we were filling out an insurance form, and I felt like I was going to cry, choke, throw up, or faint.  Or, possibly all of the above, simultaneously.  I don't weigh as much as some people, I weigh a LOT more than others.  I don't even really know why the actual saying I weigh X bothers me.  I guess it's like some women I know that won't say their age, because then they don't have to admit how old they are.  I have never had that problem.  So why do I have a problem with this? 

I suppose it's the same idea.  I don't say how much fat is there, I don't have to admit I have too much of it.  But fear is insidious that way.  I don't admit that, I don't do something because I might look stupid, I won't try because it makes me feel uncomfortable...  And then I am stuck inside my own head, feeling foolish and upset, and STILL not doing those things.  Rather than getting off my somewhat ample butt and trying.  Ok, I look foolish, so have other people before me.  Hopefully not Failblog foolish...   But ya know, so what if I do end up Fail blog foolish? If I don't hurt anyone, and it makes people laugh, that is a PLUS.  Heaven knows the world could use more laughter...

And recently I have had the unpleasant realization that it could harm me in more than just achy joints and lack of endurance.  Mom has been diagnosed as borderline diabetic, and Dad is on meds...  Which, I was told, gives me a 90% chance of diabetes.  Having lost a friend, quite literally bit by bit, from diabetes, that scares the living (!!!!) out of me.  I am already missing a kneecap from my blasted auto accident, I am pretty protective of what I have left! 

So.  In the spirit I have been trying to adopt, "Get over it, the world will spin, and you need to get out there", I will be altering the way I will be doing the "Lard Log".  I will be putting THE WEIGHT ON THE SCALE there, not just up or down.  I will also probably be putting it on there on Fridays, for this month, as that is when I am to check in for the contest.  Not Earth shattering, but I will be making another footstep in the general direction of "out of comfort zone". 

Before I put my actual weight, please, in the comments... Say what you want, but maybe not the "oh, that's not too bad" thing?  It's too much, and I need to lose it.  So it is bad, to me.  (Let's just say, the other day I was so upset when I was on the scale I was singing "Piggy, piggy, oink, oink" to myself and crying. Not a great start to a day.)  

So.  Here goes.  I weigh 241 pounds.

{looking}

Ok, the world's still spinning.  Time to get out there.

Thanks for 'listening'.  

(Edit:  I first titled this blog entry "FEAR".  I think the new title is better...)

7 comments:

  1. Cat, you're doing better than me. I don't even have a scale in the house, and I won't let the nurses tell me how much I weigh when I go to the doctor's office.

    I have to say that I really admire the way that you face up to your fears, and do something positive about it. I'm so glad I found your blog, because you inspire me.

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  2. You're worried about 241? If people want to be rude about someone's weight, then they're not worth talking to at all. Of course, it's a good idea to lose the weight. One of my closest friends was only 38 when she died. She was pushing just over 300 and had problems with diabetes. I was in Iraq when she passed away, and I was heart broken. She was so very sweet, and loved and wanted her own children. She missed out on that. I weigh about 180 and I'm 5'9". I'd like to lose 25lbs. No, it ain't easy, but it's worth working for. Keep going Cat!
    ~Randy

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  3. You go, girl!!! (Funny, by the way, with "the world still spinning" and all that good stuff.)

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  4. Good for you for overcoming the fear...putting it out there and acknowledging it is the first step in beating it!! Since you said, don't say it's not that bad...I won't. What I WILL say, however, is that my heaviest weight was 340 lbs....almost 100 lbs more than that. Feel better? lol Seriously...I'm very proud of you for doing this challenge and putting it out there....who cares what you weigh right now anyway?? Because we already know it's going to be LESS than that on Friday, right?? RIGHT??? Of course it is!! You can do it girl!! I'm rooting for ya' and I believe in YOU! :)

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  5. Ok, I am confused. Blogger seems to not want me to read the comments, now that they are on the blog. So, for all of you that commented, thank you a LOT LOT LOT for the encouragement, and I will make the next blog about some other ramblings. Who knows? Anyway, thank you all!

    Cat, blinded by the blog today...

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  6. I've never cared what you weigh. And you've never cared if my hair was real or not. And that, I think, is why we would still be friends even if we didn't care about fiber.

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  7. Thank you. I think that is probably one of the best thoughts I could receive on the subject. But hey, fibery goodness don't hurt, either!

    Cat

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