Thursday, October 08, 2009

Bleah. Wrung out.

Well, wrote my resignation to one group, it was accepted with no acrimony, I wanted to burn no bridges, but felt it was my time to leave. I was given sort of a 'good luck with that' about concentrating on my CERT program, since that group wants to work with them. Ok. When they do, guess I will deal with it then.

Had been hurting like crazy again, I have figured out part of it is from the dang bed. I am trying a different pillow, see if that helps. I am trying to ignore my ankle, I don't want to have to deal with it if I don't have to. I keep wondering if the fact I hold stress in is part of it too, that stress can cause you to ache. At least that's what I have read. Guess I am not going to be with out pain killers entirely, but at least I am down to some of the mild stuff...

I now have to write a note to a different group, and I feel I am almost giving an ultimatum, I need some help, or I need to leave. Can you tell I hate conflict? I would rather swallow my thoughts and go along, than stir up things. I have no idea why, but I guess I have been that way all my life, as long as I can remember. I have only recently gotten a backbone transplant, so I still have a ways to go in assertiveness. I need to do this, though, I can not continue being angry and frustrated at something that should be fun. It's sort of like having a bruised toe, and continually hitting it on a box. You have a choice, you can move the box, or you can swear a lot.

Guess which accomplishes not a great lot?

(Of course, there is my choice, swearing WHILE moving the box, but I digress...)

I keep everything inside a lot, and even now, I have stepped down, I feel like I am going to vomit, thinking, "Gee, did I do the right thing?" And so I go to the next thing, hopefully when I get it all finished, I can feel better. Husband is so blase' about this kind of thing, so is Mom. They don't want to do something, no, thanks, bye.

No drama.

I feel bad, I stew, worry, wonder if I am doing the right thing, am I doing the WRONG thing, will I be liked, disliked? You get the idea. Dad isn't quite as bad as I am about it, but I think I get it from him a bit, he tends to carry things in his gut as well...

Well, guess I better put this blog to bed, and go write my note...

Yeah. But first, some antacids. Bleah.


  1. Your thoughts on conflict could have been written by me. I am exactly the same way. My stomach and mind do the same thing and I worry so about what people will think and whether I will upset someone or make them not like me. I am such a people pleaser. I hide away. I avoid. I have not had that back bone transplant yet. I need it but alas the few times I have tried to stand up for myself have not been successful. I am still in training and consider myself a work in progress.
    Hope your aches and pains don't get you down too much.

  2. I am like you, worry, worry, worry. And others just make the decision and move on! Frustrating how much time that takes up. Thank you for the note in my blog. I like the image of learning something and then eventually it becomes effortless --Maybe, just maybe, that could eventually be the case for me. Maybe it won't always be a hurculean effort.

  3. Beth- It will. Anything you do or learn takes time, unless you are some sort of savant. (There are a few, but somehow, I don't think most people losing weight fit that catagory...) Just take it a step at a time. We're rooting for you!

    nynn-I guess I woke up one morning realizing that not everyone could be my friend, and for some reason, that has been liberating. I am shy, and don't make friends easily, so potentially losing friends was/is frightening. But I suppose I am at a point now that I need to worry about me, selfish as that is, what good am I as a friend if I am ready to scream and tear my hair out all the time?

    And though I gripe about the pains, it does slow me down, but considering what the doctor I had after the accident said, (loss of leg, wheelchair by middle age), I try to feel this is a better, if not pleasant, trade off.

  4. I hate conflict too!! Arrgh!
    I am in the position where I have decided I have to resign one of my volunteer positions (I am only halfway through my 3 year term).
    But have I done it yet??? Nope. I did get so far as writing my resignation letter though. Now to actually hand it in.
    I feel your anguish here, I really do. Good for you on handing in the one so far though!

  5. Yes, indeed, action is part of the game. I still have to get my second resignation paper written and in... I need to park my tookus and as the sneaker ad says,
    Just Do It...



Hi! What have you to say today?